Daniel... the latest

Daniel continues to be the biggest challenge we have. I have not been able to wrap my head around the psychiatrists saying that Daniel does NOT have control over his meltdowns. When I said, “Then how come he can mostly control it around others, has a few problems at school, but only has these huge problems at home?” they said that it’s because he WANTS to control it, and so he works really, really hard to, and manages it for the most part when he’s with others, but then the buildup just gets too much, and he blows – but he only does that at home because he feels safe and loved here. I really had a hard time believing any of all this stuff – to me it was all just psycho-babble. But Daniel truly is the most excellent Jekyll and Hyde I could NEVER have hoped to meet, and there is absolutely nothing that we have been able to do to change it, so I’m beginning to be a believer!!

So I’ve had a bit of an epiphany about Daniel. The last mega-meltdown he had was on a Monday afternoon, and I actually told the teachers at school that he was gone because he was in lockdown. I haven’t told others that before, but since we have talked to the teachers in detail about Daniel’s issues, I thought it would be better for them to know and not start asking him, “Hey – did you have a fun vacation day?” or something like that!! So I sent them all an e-mail, and 3 of the 6 replied to me saying that Daniel had been *really* difficult and uncooperative in school that morning. One said that he “seemed to be wired”. So looking at it a little further, Sunday morning he had started acting completely out of control. I asked Mark to take Daniel to the church when he went to Bishopric meetings because I *KNEW* by the way Daniel was acting, that we were in for a humdinger, and I hoped that taking him out of the situation would help diffuse it. So Daniel sat in the foyer at church drawing and visiting, and was fine. He also behaved ok at church that afternoon, but that night, he was “on one” again - Just pushing the limits, being obnoxious, and getting in everyone’s faces (especially Nadia & Ben’s). If we can get his meds in him and just try to distract him and just survive for a while, the meds knock him out pretty well. “Surviving” is literally the word – as you can *NOT* discipline him in any way, or make him go to his room, or anything like that, or you just facilitate a COMPLETE meltdown. So then Monday morning, according to the teachers, was pretty bad at school. Then Monday afternoon at home, he was totally out of control. Since we’ve tried every possible thing to stop the behaviors, and NOTHING works, we now just try to ignore him. So he goes crazy around us, and I just try to shepherd the other two away from him and ignore him as much as possible. But when he starts physically threatening the kids, I draw the line. So I had the police take him to lockdown again that day (that’s the third time he’s been there – and if it changed behavior in the future, I’d feel OK about it, but it doesn’t change anything).

The cop that took Daniel to lockdown called me after he dropped him off and said, “WOW – he was really out of control – and does he ever have a MOUTH on him – he’s called me every name in the book!” He was surprised someone so young and so small was so strong. I said yeah, I know all about it, and I’m sorry. He said, “No – you don’t need to be sorry – we’re equipped to deal with it. It’s *YOU* I’m sorry for – you shouldn’t have to deal with it.” It took three cops a good 20 minutes to get Daniel handcuffed, sorted out, and in the car. Then just one officer went to drive him to Provo. Because Daniel was so small, he was able to wriggle out of the cuffs, then he broke the radar in the back of the police car, and then he was trying to get through the glass to the front and trying to get the policeman’s gun.

At the lockdown place, Daniel is with strangers, so usually settles down really fast. But this time he wouldn’t listen, was starting to be destructive, etc., so they called the Provo police who went over and talked to him. They told him that if he didn’t settle down, they would take him to juvenile detention. Well he did settle down this time, but the lockdown place said that they are not equipped to handle that behavior either, and that if he behaves that way in future, they’ll just send him directly to juvie. They said he wouldn’t go to bed that night – He was just sitting in the hallway and making loud noises and swaying back and forth. When they’d try to get him to bed, he said, “No – I can’t go to bed. My mom won’t leave me here. She’ll come and get me.” Of course THAT just breaks my heart more. We left him there a little over 24 hours, and I literally cried about that entire time! What upsets me the most is that if he truly does NOT have any ability to control this, and it’s some physiological thing due to his parents on drugs, or whatever, how tragic is that for him (and us)?! And, incidentally, it makes me feel WAY worse for trying some of the discipline things we’ve tried under the direction of the doctors – like the lockdown in the bathroom here in the house, etc. HOW in the world might that have affected Daniel – not understanding WHY he can’t control it himself, and then WHY we come down on him so hard. Anyway, the epiphany is helping me understand things a little better, but of course it doesn’t resolve the situation. We muddle on…..

The other thing is that he is still a COMPLETE kleptomaniac. I started to think he was learning and changing, PLUS I feel so exhausted at having to try to watch his every move – and when you do that, it precipitates meltdowns because he obviously doesn’t want to be watched!, so I let my guard up a little, but I should know better, as it ALWAYS comes back to bite me. He continues to just take whatever he wants and doesn’t learn. One of the VERY hard things about this is that when confronted with the evidence, Daniel continues to LIE about it – and he is extremely accomplished at it. The lies just roll off his tongue, and he always has a VERY quick and highly plausible reason why he has something. If I didn’t know any better because I’ve caught him red-handed, I’d believe him 100 percent. He’s completely earnest when he swears BLIND that he did not TOUCH anything and has NO idea how the stuff got in his room.

I really wonder about it – on one hand I’m quite sure he understands what he’s doing, because he’s very good at hiding things he takes. But then on the other – he’s so convincing when he says he knows nothing about it, so you wonder if the kleptomania is automatic and he really doesn’t “get it”?! I’ve told him that I just can’t believe what he tells me – and until he earns my trust back, it’s gone. That’s an awful thing to say – but what else do I do? Often now, I call him on it. Like when I walked on him with a whole stash of cash and asked him where he got it, and he comes back with this big story. So I said, “I’m sorry Daniel – you know as well as I do that you take money that doesn’t belong to you to I’m just going to have to take it.” And he often doesn’t say a thing. But then he doesn’t hesitate to take it right back if he gets the least opportunity. It doesn’t do any good to get mad, consequence the heck out of him, so I’m pretty much to the point that I say something like, “I feel very sad that you’re not learning to stay out of other people’s stuff.” Mercy me.

So back to the epiphany… It’s that we can see him going downhill, and it appears to be a train that can’t be stopped (we can divert it for a time, but if it’s going downhill… it’s going to go - regardless!), so I talked to the doctor about this. He prescribed some other meds to try with Daniel at that particular time that might stave off the precipitous drop – He said they would just mellow everything out. It’s funny that Mark and I were *SO* opposed to meds, and now, “WE ARE BELIEVERS!!” We can tell so quickly if we’ve forgotten to give him his meds in the morning. And sometimes, Daniel gets a bee in his bonnet and won’t take them or spits them out on the sly (he’s not very advanced about HOW he stashes… generally he just puts them in a corner on the floor or on the counter or something. He could easily flush them and we’d not be any the wiser!). We can TELL immediately, but when he’s in that frame of mind, you can’t force him to take them. (Sometimes he says he doesn’t want them because, he says, “you are over-medicating me”. Now WHERE would he have heard a phrase like that?!

Well, Daniel was “heading down the path” the day before thanksgiving, but he also seemed to not be well. He was VERY sleepy, which is not like him – he’s usually on the go ALL the time. He would disappear and I’d find him asleep on his floor or on the sofa. But when he was awake, he was obnoxious. Friday night, it was getting us down a lot, so we decided to try the meds, and we also gave them to him Saturday morning. (The doc said it was ok to give them morning and night for a week.) Well Saturday he continued to sleep a lot, and then he’d get up and be hungry. And he’d be standing there eating (that’s his mode – he just “grazes” and you can’t get him to sit down and eat much with you), and his head would loll back and he’d say he couldn’t hold it up. So we supported his head (it was CRAZY – saggy like a tiny baby’s), and helped him lay down. He’d sleep for a while, then he’d pop up and do the same thing over. Saturday night, he complained of pain all over, but he didn’t have a fever or any other symptoms, and it seemed to pass quickly. So we didn’t give him any more of the meds, and within 2 days, he was back to normal – no sleepiness or anything. So it’s really bizarre. Because he was *so* sleepy before, and we don’t know what other viruses he might have had, we don’t know exactly what the effect of the new pills were. So we are a little nervous to try them again – but think we may do it and reduce the dosage. The doc prescribed 2 pills morning and night, so we could cut it in half and see what happens….

SIX-YEAR Adoption Update which never got done...

Obviously the SEVEN-year one didn't happen either. So you'll just have to wait for the EIGHT-YEAR update (holy cow - it will be EIGHT years soon!!). Here's Nadia with her self-set-up & entitled "Family Portrait"

Daniel Update

I am not sharing this to use it as an excuse for Daniel’s behavior, but I continue to just try to understand what makes him tick, and to get the tools I need to help him. We have had terrible trouble with Daniel from day one. He vacillates between BRILLIANT behavior and abysmally abominable behavior. And believe me, consider yourselves extremely lucky that you get to see the “good side”! He *can* behave like a dream child, and usually does for other people, at church, etc. Sometimes he loses it (in a comparatively minor way) at school, and I think that is part of the reason that the kids don’t want to be around him. He’s also VERY good at noticing shortcomings in other people, and pointing them out bluntly, but of course, doesn’t want to hear about his own problems!

Before Daniel, Mark and I were COMPLETE skeptics about all these medical diagnoses given to children, and we were TOTALLY opposed to medications – We thought they were simply a crutch for people who did not want to bother parenting. I truly thought that people with YOUNG “problem children” were just bad parents - that they were shirking their responsibilities, etc. I always used to think all it took was “love... natural consequences... CONSISTENCY... love...”, and if you had a delinquent 12-year old you HAD to have delinquent parents. Well, After Daniel (our time frame is now measured as BD - Before Daniel, and AD – After Daniel!!), my ideas have all gone out the window. I know Mark and I have a LOT to learn, have made plenty of mistakes, and are FAR from perfect, but we are NOT delinquent parents. I do believe there *are* still parents and children like that, but now I have to say that I firmly believe there *ARE* children who have REAL medical problems, who do *NOT* respond to standard methods of correction, etc.

Over the past several years, we dismissed three other doctors’ diagnoses of bi-polar, among many other things. From what we observed, we felt Daniel *could* control his behavior – particularly when we were with others, so we thought it MUST just be behavioral. We figured we just had to find his “currency” – the consequence or incentives that would get him to give up the bad behaviors. Well – Daniel does NOT have a currency! All the “standard” discipline methods basically fail with him (they “seem” to work sometimes, do not work at ALL other times, and do NOT change the behaviors in the long run). On the one hand, Daniel is the most AMAZING, helpful, kind child, and you can talk to him and he has all the right answers. He is also one of the hardest working children I’ve ever known! But on the other hand, he plummets to the depths. He can be cunning, sly, lies through his teeth (while looking you RIGHT in the eye and looking VERY innocent!), and he does NOT learn no matter what consequences we impose or incentive we provide.

We have reluctantly come to the conclusion that we must accept the FOURTH doctor’s diagnoses, as they verify what the previous three doctors said (and none of them have consulted with the others). The doctors say this is not an easy situation, because Daniel does not just have ONE issue. They say Daniel definitely *IS* bipolar, but aside of that, he has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) – all common with adoptees, on top of the ADHD. He even has many symptoms associated with FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome), which is a very real possibility given the high rate of alcoholism in the Ukraine. He also has the classic “hoarding” tendencies of those who have lived with deprivation. And on TOP of all that, the psychiatrist says Daniel is suffering with heavy depression – well that makes a ton of sense – who wouldn’t with all these other issues? – *I’m* depressed and I’m just trying to DEAL with HIS having all those things! Daniel also feels that no-one loves or likes him. We have long felt that Daniel equates “being disciplined” with “not being loved”, and have talked ourselves blue in the face to try to explain to him that we’re trying to help him BECAUSE we love him. But he doesn’t FEEL it. So all these things make for a very tough situation, and help me have a little understanding as to why all the “standard” discipline methods basically fail with him.

We did reluctantly start Daniel on ADHD meds two years ago, but did not tell anyone at school. I got a real eye-opening confirmation that meds really could help when, after Daniel had only been on the meds a couple of days, I was in the classroom helping the teacher, who said to me, “Look at Daniel, he’s sitting there, doing his tasks, not bouncing off the walls, etc.” The teacher thought he had figured out the magic way to deal with Daniel. I did not say anything to him about the meds we’d started Daniel on – I just let him believe he was totally responsible for the change :). Then a little over a year ago, our pediatrician started Daniel on some meds to reduce Daniel’s violent behavior. We didn’t tell Daniel what they were – when he asked why he had to take “vitamins” the other kids weren’t taking, we just said that everyone’s body has different nutritional needs – I take different vitamins to dad, etc. He readily accepted this explanation. After a week, we had to go in to the doc for blood testing (to make sure the meds weren’t affecting Daniel negatively) and the doc asked Daniel, “Have these meds helped you? How do you feel?” But he did not say ANYTHING about WHAT the meds were supposed to do. Daniel responded that he did not “feel so angry”. I was just flabbergasted, because I would never have thought a ten-year old would have been able to make this observation.

I struggled to understand WHY Daniel was this way, but Benjamin was not? They were both in the exact same orphanage for the exact same amount of time. So I guess Daniel’s issues are a combination of biological, environmental (including that his bio mother may have had alcohol or drug issues, etc.,), and personality, so his response to his 6.5 years in the orphanage is colored by all that.

So we continue to work on things … Daniel is seeing a psychologist AND psychiatrist and taking multiple medications to try to help him. And we seem to live at the doctors – not just for the visits – but continual ongoing lab testing to check the effects of the meds (including ekg’s, blood and urine tests). The sad part is that finding the right mix of medications (and dosages) is a very imprecise science, and will take time. It is NOT a cure-all AT ALL, but does help take the edge off the awful behaviors. We just changed from our third psychologist (the first 2 told us they can’t do anything with Daniel, and we didn’t notice any progress with the third). I had asked the psychiatrist if she had a recommendation for a good therapist, and she said to me, “Any therapist is going to have a difficult time because of all the different things going on here.” Joy – Joy!

This week I was put in touch with a social services man who deals with post adoption issues. I had not considered approaching them, since ours was an international adoption, but a friend of mine gave me this guy’s info, and I talked to him for a long time. He has given us some ideas, including a different psychologist in Salt Lake (yes, ANOTHER trip we’re going to have to make to SLC on a regular basis. UGH!). I spent hours today setting up things with the insurance and doc. The doc is actually full for the next SEVEN months!! So we are going to go to his resident, who, we are told, works in conjunction with the doc. They do a FULL Neuro Psychological evaluation and we’re told they put together complete good, specific recommendations for responding to Daniel’s behaviors, and they also give us stuff we can take to the school. We’ll try anything at this point.

I feel like Daniel is a time bomb waiting to explode. If he is left alone, so he can do what HE wants, WHEN he wants to do it, all is well. But if HE doesn’t feel like doing it, and you try to force his hand, everything goes to hell in a handbasket. And I’m sorry – but we just can’t live with him as a total despot! That wouldn’t help him in the long run, anyway.

If you’re not tired of reading!!! - here’s an incident from a little while ago to give you some idea of what goes on: Daniel came home from school, slipped in through the door and started heading upstairs with his coat on – a sure sign to me that he's hiding something. (We CONSTANTLY fight the battle of him taking other people’s stuff, so I have to be very vigilant in watching him. He has been consequenced *SO* many times – I’ve lost track. I also have sewn up ALL his pockets, plus he is not allowed to take a backpack to school. But all this has yet to change anything!) So I asked what he had in his coat – and after a hassle, discovered he had a toy semi-truck/trailer stuffed in there. He SAID he picked it up on the way home from school – that it was just on the ground. I told him OK – we’d check with the kids at school and make sure it wasn’t someone’s. I said that if he had picked it up – someone had lost it. I asked him how he would feel if he dropped something, and someone else picked it up and just kept it? Him, “I wouldn’t care!” Then WOW – he went AWOL – because I “don’t trust” him, etc. He was SOOO out of control. I gave him a couple of options – One is something I *FEEL* I have received in answer to prayer – and that is to have him go out and run around, and work off some energy. But you can’t GET HIM to do that if it’s not HIS idea! I’ll suggest that he either go outside and run around, go take Rascal (our dog) for a walk, go and play in his room, etc., until he’s calmed down. He will NOT. He just turns into an ignorant monster.

I truly don’t know what to do. Over the past 5 1/2 years we have literally tried EVERY method of discipline and every chance of incentive, but none of them have worked. Right now, we’re trying diverting his attention, not giving too much attention to the bad behavior, but not allowing it in the house, etc. I can’t get him to go to his bedroom and just play until he calms down. I can’t get him to run around outside, or shovel some snow, or something else to work off some energy. So what do I do???

So this day we had the problem with the semi truck, he was body butting Benjamin, calling him names, getting in his face, being obnoxious, using ugly, ugly language. Benjamin was on the stool in the kitchen eating a snack. So I told Daniel his behavior was unacceptable and asked him to please stop and take himself somewhere else. But he wouldn’t. I asked Benjamin to move – just go in the dining room away from Daniel. But Daniel followed B in there and continued – just pushing – pushing – pushing B. I told him FIRMLY, that he needed to quit (and suggested AGAIN, some options for him), or I told him I would have to put him outside (I decided to try this because I hoped it would help him to work off some of his ill temper. Normally he LOVES being outside and playing, and I can’t get him INSIDE! But with his oppositional spirit, if I am MAKING him go outside, then he doesn’t want to go.).

I went into the living room and was helping Nadia to practice some songs she needed to learn. He came in after us and was getting in OUR faces. Making rude noises and gestures, yelling language and stuff RIGHT in our faces, turning off the CD with our music on, etc. I told him he needed to control himself, or I would have to control him. He wouldn’t stop, so I jumped up (taking him by surprise) and grabbed him (which I have to do, or he runs off and LAUGHS his head off because, “YOU CAN’T GET ME!”) and held him still, and calmly said, “Daniel, are you going to go some place else and work out your frustrations, or do I need to put you outside and lock you out until you’ll be nice?” He was just SCREAMING like a banshee – you’d think I was dismembering him. So I propelled him out, which was a chore in and of itself. He is STRONG and he fights – bites – kicks – and it’s no wonder that my arm I wrenched is not healing. (BTW: This is the 2nd time I’ve locked him outside.) I got his shoes and coat and threw them out. He knew they were there (they were right by his feet), but he refused to put them on, so he was just running around the house in bare feet (there was snow on the ground!). He went BALLISTIC – screaming like he was being beaten. But it’s ALL completely fake. He can turn off the crying in a second, and there’s NO sobbing, or tears, or anything. He KICKED the doors and then took a big metal bar and was smashing the garage door (he’s put big dings in it), and was yelling obscene language. I went on doing my thing, and when he calmed down outside, I’d go and say, “Good, you’re ready to be nice and come in!” But the minute I’d open the door, he’d start yelling obscenities at me again. So I’d shut it and lock it again.

So anyway, he ripped the screens out of the windows in front and was banging on the windows, then he discovered one was unlocked, so climbed in. He sat down on the sofa, smirking and saying, “Ha Ha, I can do whatever I want.” And spewing forth more language about me and how terrible I am. So I told him, again, that he could stay inside if he was going to be nice. He wouldn’t stop, so I grabbed him AGAIN, and put him outside.

It continued to be a major debacle. I’m AMAZED he didn’t break the deck glass door, and that the neighbors didn’t call in reinforcements to find out what was going on! I decided I had to do something different, so I told Benjamin and Nadia to put in a movie, I’d be back in a bit, pulled on my coat and boots and went out. He ran around and as I was saying, “I’m going to the store, come with me”, he was SCREAMING like a banshee and FIGHTING me again to try to get in to the house. I managed to shut and lock the door (with the 2 of us outside). I went over to the car and started it, and started cleaning off the 6 inches of snow and ice on it. (And as an aside, the reason we can’t have the van IN the garage is that Daniel has taken apart EVERY box and container in there and the contents are STREWN across the garage floor. And that’s at least the third time he’s done it and we’ve made him help us clean it up (which usually takes the better part of every day for a full week during a school break), but he does it again. He will NOT stay out of ANYTHING…) I said, “Come and help me clean off the car Daniel, and we’ll run to the grocery store quickly.” He yelled, “NO!” and stood there with his arms folded, just glowering. I was watching him all the time out of the corner of my eye, because I *KNEW* his mind was clicking, and I was afraid he would jump into the car and lock me out. And I would NOT put it past him to take off in the car! So I had actually locked all the other doors, just had the driver’s door unlocked, and I was scraping away, but ready to bolt if he moved!

He did try to open the passenger door at one point, and started yelling obscenities at me that I had it locked etc. Anyway, once I was finished cleaning the car off and let him in, he said mockingly, “You’re never going to get out of the driveway over all this snow – you’re just going to get stuck! HA! HA!!” But I was able to pull out and headed down to the shops – singing songs with the radio. Finally I could tell he was settling down, and he started to chat to me quite happily. So in the course of driving around to a couple of stores I talked to him in terms of, “How do you feel now compared to how you feel when you’re mad and having to stay outside?” etc., etc. But he mostly came back with smart aleck answers. I told him (for the bazillionth time) that we love him very much, and our most important goal is to help him to grow up to be a responsible, happy adult. I said that if he had a better idea that would help him to adjust his behavior when he’s out of control, to let us know, because we were just trying different things until we found something that worked. (We’ve tried asking for his input MANY times, but we don’t get anything constructive back from him.) Mark feels we can’t use the “locking outside” treatment any more, because we might get turned in for child abuse. So WHAT to do?????

Changes over the last 5 years ...

Nadia at her orphanage in Kryvyy Rog - July 2002



















That's Daniel Blowing the bubbles, and Benjamin on the right with his
hand to his mouth, at the Vinnytsya orphanage - June 2002
















15 months after the adoption - Moab, Utah














Five years post adoption - with the rest of the clan

Nadia playing "Princess" in her
newly decorated bedroom



















Daniel practicing driving in Disneyland -
he can't WAIT until he's 16!















"Mr Strongman" Benjamin - Moab, UT, Sept 07



















A pool is one of Daniel & Benjamin's favorite places :)

5-Year Adoption Update ... Only 4 months late :)

Good Grief – It’s been FIVE YEARS since we adopted Daniel, Benjamin and Nadia. On one hand it seems like yesterday, and on the other, it seems like an eternity! I was thinking about it, and wondering, “What have we learned? What’s been reinforced? What are we *still* in TOTAL confusion about??!” So here are my thoughts on the subject:

** I’ve had reinforced that it’s a WHOLE lot easier if you adopt the child younger! Nadia is now EXACTLY the age that Daniel was when we got him (Benjamin was 2 months younger). Interestingly, she is almost the exact same size as Benjamin was when we got him – She’s 1 inch and 1/4 pound smaller. Since she has had the benefit of much better nutrition for the last 5 years, she must have a much smaller genetic make-up.

Nadia does have an *extremely* stubborn and manipulative personality, and make no doubt about it, she turns on and off the pouts, glares and puppy-dog eyes in a heart beat (Mark says he’s moving out when she hits puberty!). But she is *incredibly* easier to handle than either of the boys were at this age. She understands time-outs perfectly. All I have to do is tell her something is unacceptable, and she’ll trot over, get the stool and climb onto it. So she gets a couple of minutes off for reacting so well, and consequently only spends about 4 minutes on the chair. It’s *great*.

She is reading and writing very well, and is in first grade. She will sit for HOURS and play quite happily with her dolls or color. We could NOT get the boys to sit still for 5 MINUTES at this age. They were JUST learning English, and were FAR away from learning to read, spell and write. They were not interested in legos, cars, coloring, building, watching a cartoon or movie… nothing! Now Benjamin will build intricate lego helicopters, etc., and is a bit of a video game and TV addict. Daniel still has the attention span of a gnat and can’t sit still for 5 minutes.

Nadia has *very* poor enamel on her teeth, but through vigilant brushing and care, she has only had two cavities. At the same age, Daniel had three very deep abscesses, 10 teeth decayed to the gum line and beyond repair (so they were pulled), and 4 teeth that had to be filled & crowned in order to save something. Benjamin was in a LITTLE better shape with only one abscess, 6 teeth pulled, and three filled and crowned!

** I’ve learned that timeouts are not for every child. Benjamin does *not* respond to them at all. We discovered he actually enjoys solitary time. He *hates* chores with a passion, so chores have become his consequence. Some days, setting him to washing a blind gets his bad mood worked out pretty quickly, and most days his behavior is fantastic. Other times, he spirals out of control pretty quickly, and gets pretty violent and won’t respond to anything we do. We haven’t figured out a solution for this behavior yet. We're working on it.

** I’ve learned that early displays of affection don’t necessarily mean anything. Since Benjamin was very reticent with his affection and in fact would not let us TOUCH him without his initiating it, we thought he would have trouble attaching, but he has no problems with that. He is very affectionate and very verbal about expressing it (if you can understand him – his speech is still abysmal!). Daniel, on the other hand, seemed very quick to give affection initially, but he is the one that struggles the most with attachment and trust issues.

** Benjamin handles his surgeries very, very well. He can police himself fabulously, and even though he DOES get fed up with the soft diet and "no recess/sports/etc" restrictions, he is very good about saying to friends at school, “I can’t eat that or play that.” His self-control is amazing… I must work on developing it!! When he had his activity restrictions after his surgery where they cut his jaw and he had a halo screwed into his skull, we got him into some Korean Haidong – The Art of the Sword, and he LOVES it. He started the martial arts (Hapkido) side of it recently, and was JUST allowed to start sparring (a full year post surgery). His Master says that he has never seen any other student show so much dedication and commitment. Daniel continues to really struggle with surgeries and associated issues, and he does whatever he wants, sneaks whatever food he wants, etc. If his surgeries “work”, it’s a great blessing, because he cannot handle the food and activity restrictions.

** I’ve had reinforced that yelling doesn’t make any difference. I went from never really yelling (sometimes raising my voice a BIT with Richard, but not badly), to yelling like a fish wife -something I thought I would NEVER do!!, to now, where I *can* speak calmly and lovingly, and just enforce the consequences. Do I still lose it sometimes? Sadly, yes. But I’m getting better!

** I have learned that consistency and love cannot cure all things, and to some people, being in control is the Be-All and End-All of everything. Daniel responds to discipline when he feels like it, despite our being 100 percent consistent with consequences. There appears to be absolutely *no* rhyme or reason for when he will be a wonderful, polite, respectful, incredibly helpful, delightful young man, and when he will turn it around 180 degrees (which he can do in a heartbeat) and become a diabolical monster. And I keep thinking, “Good grief – if he’s like this at ELEVEN (and he’s BEEN like this since he was 6 - only as he gets older, it just gets harder to deal with him), Heaven help us when he’s 15!!” We have had two therapists tell us they could not do anything with Daniel. He simply does *not* care what the consequences are – He is going to do WHAT he wants to do, WHEN he wants to do it. We have tried so many different angles, and there is no rhyme or reason to when things work or when they don't. BTW: One book on dealing with difficult children says they do it because they get a better response and "show", and more attention, out of you for the negative behaviors. But over-the-top positive reinforcement doesn't work with Daniel either.

It’s so incredibly frustrating because he SEEMS to be able to control it (when we're with others, etc). When he WANTS something badly enough from you he’ll be all sweetness and light, but most of the rest of the time, he can be obnoxiousness personified. The trouble is that he seems to have learned REALLY well in the orphanage to live with deprivation, and he usually doesn’t want stuff badly enough, and he can NOT deal with “carrots” that are held out that are more than about 20 minutes away. For instance, we were going to the lake with a nephew in the afternoon, and Daniel was DESPERATE to go in the boat, and had been begging for it all summer. He was totally out of control and obnoxious in the morning, and I'd warned him, then had to start enforcing, so I said, “That’s 10 minutes sitting out at the lake.” He just yelled back, “Don’t care! You’re just a freaking idiot.” etc. He ended up sitting out for 1.5 HOURS at the lake. The biggest problem is that it does NOT change anything the next time around!! I just despair. We tell him that he cannot think that he can be disrespectful and mean all day long, and then five minutes before it’s time to go to his riding lesson, become this wonderful child. But he doesn’t get it. He has missed so many lessons, activities and special events, but it still does not get through. I really believe that he equates our disciplining him with a lack of love. Of course we talk around it all until we’re blue in the face, but he STILL doesn’t get it. We don’t use bad language at home, but Daniel’s language spirals down really fast. We have tried everything under the sun to try to stop him using the stuff he picks up on the school playground - Obviously without any success :(.

During the summer, the kids had a small amount of homework and chores to do before they could play with friends. Daniel messed around doing everything else under the sun (it's that control thing), and I would periodically remind him, “I’m glad you’re having fun doing that, but don’t forget you need to do your chore and homework before friends.” But he still went AWOL when Benjamin had a friend over, and he couldn’t because his work wasn’t done. He repeatedly makes chores a hundred times harder than they need to be. For instance, he’ll refuse to put the catcher on the mower. We don’t have a mulching mower, so he then has to rake up the grass. Then instead of putting it into a bag, he’ll mound it up on the wheelbarrow, then dump it in bizarre places, like once he filled the entire window well with grass clippings. So then he had to clean it all out!! If I try to talk to him about it, like “Daniel, let’s just put the catcher on, and then I’ll help you empty it right into the garbage bag,” he’ll just respond, “NO!! Why should I?” I’ll say, “Well, because it will save you extra work, you can get your chore done sooner, and go swimming sooner.” He’ll respond, “No! Try to make me! You’re just an idiot. Talk to the butt!” and he’ll turn his butt to me, slap it, and walk away. Often, he’ll just go, “Blah, blah, blah!” and walk away. He is **so** rude – but I just don’t know how to teach him, because everything we’ve tried has failed. Of course, when he’s being disrespectful, he cannot have friends over, and then I have to deal with a total meltdown, but it doesn’t change future behavior. He can be really, really vicious (physically as well as verbally) in the way he attacks others. Sometimes, like when I’m trying to pull him off Benjamin or something like that, he’ll kick, scratch, bite me, etc., while yelling, “You stupid idiot! You Faggot!” And when his kick connects with me, “Good! You deserve that!!”

* I used to think that all these diagnoses of RAD, ODD, ADHD, BiPolar, etc., were a bunch of hooey, and were mostly parents abdicating their responsibilities. And I do believe there probably *are* still a lot of over-diagnoses and over-medicating, and there *are* still plenty of cases of delinquent parents (like the boy Daniel hooked up with last year at school – his mother AND grandmother were in jail and he was living with old GREAT grandparents who didn’t BEGIN to try to discipline him! But I feel for them - and just for the record - there is *NO WAY* I will take on caring full time for a grandchild in my old age!). However, I’ve learned that there are *true* cases where there are biological problems, and I have learned in the most forceful way that I can *never* judge what is going on in a family. I am grateful for my wonderful friends and family who cut ME some slack and don't judge me becaue of Daniel! I have also learned that some medications are LIFESAVERS. I did not tell anyone at the school that we’d started Daniel on meds, but within 2 days, I was helping out in D’s class, and his teacher thought he had found the magic way to deal with Daniel. He said, “Just look at him. Up until now, he wouldn’t sit still for 2 minutes, nor pay attention, nor focus on any task. It’s AMAZING that he’s sitting and doing an assignment like that.” I just let the teacher believe that he had indeed made a major break through with Daniel :). For both of us (the original skeptics and anti-meds couple), giving Daniel the meds HAS made a BIG difference, but again, is not a cure-all. Finding the right mix and dosage of meds is tricky (and expensive) and on-going.

The biggest problem is that we've been told repeatedly that this is not a simple situation and a "one-diagnosis" issue. They think Daniel probably has fetal alcohol syndrome and post-traumatic stress issues, and for sure he has reactive attachment issues, oppositional defiancy, ADHD, and on TOP of all those, two doctors have independently said they think Daniel is biPolar. We thought the biPolar thing was a bunch of malarkey, so did not pursue it, but we are starting to think there may be something to it. So we are trying to get into the right specialists now (but, of course, the good ones have a waiting list of about 3 years!). We *desperately* want to help Daniel, but just don’t know which way to turn. It’s been so discouraging.

** I have come to believe that Daniel does not see what he’s doing as “stealing” – He is just CONSUMED with curiosity and wanting to take things apart. Unfortunately, you have the same outcome (his taking stuff from others) no matter what the motivation! But all the consequences in the world have not stopped him from getting into stuff he shouldn’t be getting into. Just in the last little while he has destroyed (usually dismantled down to the single component level and broken much of it as he’s done so) the tape deck section of my nice stereo system, our hair trimmer, 2 computer drives, a small cassette recorder, the motor on our chest freezer, a cordless drill, the wiring, controller and some of the heads on the sprinkling system and a laptop he took from the school and COMPLETELY destroyed (and I had to go over to the school for about 5 hours a week for the whole summer to supervise him while he did work over there to work off this debt!) You should have seen the principal's face when we pulled out the dismantled laptop. He'd never seen anything quite like That! Daniel’s also taken innumerable things that, thank goodness, we have found before he’s dismantled (including a niece’s cell phone). He has to pay a consequence for those things too. He works HARD and earns lots of money, but has to pay it all to pay off debts. He sees Benjamin and Nadia buying cool stuff with what they save, and we talk to him regularly about not getting into things so he can save for a motorized scooter, and ultimately a 4-wheeler (his DREAM), but he still gets bogged down in having to pay off bills.

We tell him we think he is going to be the greatest handyman ever, and we’re excited about that, but he can NOT be taking apart things of ours that work! But we’re not getting through to him on that front either. We do try to give him stuff he CAN take apart, like we let him go at a fridge we were going to take to the dump (and I had NO IDEA you could actually break a fridge down to such a level!). He really has no interest in trying to put things back together. We have several broken things we’ve acquired from family and friends (DVD players, alarm clocks, etc), and we will get repair books and tell him, “OK – you try to fix this – it does NOT have to work, but you just have to put it back together, and then we’ll give you another item.” But even THAT doesn’t stop him getting into other stuff. I’m sure it’s part of the whole control issue thing. He wants to do WHAT *HE* wants to do, WHEN he wants to do it. He’s not the least bit interested in anything that we might give him to do.

Daniel’s burned through 2 small canisters of gas playing with the camp stove – BETWEEN the house and the shed. The other day, I checked on him when he was supposed to be asleep, and he was in his closet melting solder with Mark’s soldering iron. I regularly find him with power tools, the skill saw, drill, etc., when we have begged him to wait and only use those with dad. The long 3-month summer was completely draining on me, because I had to go outside EVERY few minutes to see what he was up to. I *KNOW* he knows what he’s doing is wrong – because he tries to hide things when I go out. I used to call out to him, “Daniel, where are you? What’re you doing?” but now I know he stashes things and hides the evidence, so I try to sneak out quietly to catch him in the action! He’s got VERY keen hearing though, and he manages to jump up and move away from things a LOT of times. We have *so* much stuff locked up, but there’s a limit to what you can put under lock and key. I’ve caught him burning stuff in his room 3 times in the last little while, and all our matches are locked up! He says he finds matches other places. One place was when he dismantled our 72-hour emergency kids. So those are removed now and locked up. (I hope we don't have an emergency need for the kits as they are no longer easily accessible!) Once those were put away, I have no clue where he continues to "find" matches...?! But if you hear we’ve all died in a house fire, don’t be surprised! We end up spending 3-4 hours going through his room on a regular basis to clean out stuff he’s taken from others. But he’s gotten more creative in stashing things. We’ve found stuff under the sink in the bathroom, down heater vents, and even behind the toilet!

Food holds no interest – he can go without it for ages and it doesn’t bother him. Like the day he took off on his bike and didn’t come back for about 10 hours – missing lunch and dinner. In order to save money, we pack school lunches, but usually let the kids choose a bought lunch once every other week or so. Daniel will make his own sandwich – so supposedly it’s something he LIKES and WANTS, but it sits in his locker until there are many bags of food in there, all moldy and gross. We’ve tried to explain to him that he NEEDS to eat to grow strong and healthy, and to do his best at sports (sports is a “draw” for him), but it doesn’t change anything. So I’ve tried not letting him buy a lunch every other week unless he’s eating his home lunch the other days. That doesn’t make any difference to him. I’ll tell him unless he eats his sandwich and fruit – he won’t be able to take a treat. “Don’t care.” And so it goes.

In desperation, we have tried every consequence in the book, but NOTHING works. For the last 6 months (because he gets into everything he shouldn’t) he has not been able to go to friends houses (although he *can* have friends here when he has been behaving OK). Last week he asked me, “WHEN can I go and play at a friend’s house?” I replied, “Daniel, you know when. It’s when you stop getting into other people’s stuff.” His response, “But that will be NEVER!” I just remind him that HE is the only one with the power, and HE can make the choices, but then he can’t choose the consequences.

** So in a nutshell, I have learned that my THEORY that “out of control children under 12 years old HAD TO mean completely irresponsible parents" has to be revised…!!!!

** I’ve learned that doctors and therapists don’t know any more than we do. They’ll say, “Oh – that didn’t work??? OK – Let’s try this….!!” We have asked for referrals from many very experienced professionals, and we get sent back to the same two therapists who have told us (after more than a year with each one) that they can’t help us. This is SUCH a drain on our stamina and resources!

I *WISH* I’d learned some of these lessons a LOT earlier. And I can only hope and pray that I haven’t contributed to Daniel’s situation by some of the things we’ve tried. Like when he wouldn’t sit in a time out spot, and the psychologist told us the “SURE FIRE way to cure oppositional defiant disorder QUICKLY”, and we tried the hard time out (locked in the bathroom). The crazy thing was that he had the option, "Do you want to sit on the time-out chair for 6 minutes, or be locked in the bathroom?" He wouldn't sit on the chair, and we got an ear full of garbage, so we'd take him to the bathroom. And then it was, "Do you want to go calmly to the bathroom, and be good in there, for 6 minutes, or do you want your time to escalate because of the way you're behaving?" Well, it may have SEEMED to work BRIEFLY, but it didn’t make any difference in long-term behavior, and it just became a battle that wasn’t garnering any positive changes, and so was not worth it. (PLUS it resulted in one COMPLETELY trashed bathroom, and one COMLETELY trashed parent as I tried to get him in there!) And like when he wouldn’t clean up his bedroom. I tried to help him, but that didn’t work, so I told him if he didn’t pick it up, *I* would, and I would give it away to some other needy child. So he yelled at me that it was MY fault for giving him too much stuff and started flinging the things out of the bedroom, saying, “Take this. And this….!” So I *did* take all that stuff, and I gave it away. But I don’t think he learned anything from it, and it may have just contributed to his feeling that he’s not loved, etc. I think this is a big problem of his, but I don’t know how to teach him that.

Some more things we have NOT figured out yet…

* Since Benjamin and Daniel were in the same orphanage for the same amount of time, is it because of Daniel’s personality? Is it a biological thing? A combination? WHAT???

* HOW do we teach Daniel how to respect ownership and other people’s privacy, etc? He just turns around and takes whatever he wants, regardless of the consequences.

* HOW do we teach the boys polite manners, eating habits, toilet habits, etc? Nadia eats with less mess than they do! The boys still spill more (and use their clothes and the chairs to wipe their hands, despite the napkins sitting on their laps)! Daniel also fights things like flushing the toilet and washing his hands. You’d think we were asking him to chop off his leg the way he wigs out about it.

HEALTH UPDATE:

NADIA - Is making great leaps and strides physically. She *is* slow in her gross and fine motor skills, but the fact that she is DOING most of it is nothing short of a miracle to us. She is chock-full of personality, is extremely smart, and is 6-going-on-18. Yikes! She *does* have a "gympy" walk, but it does not seem to phase her, nor her friends. She asked me the other day, "What does it mean if a boy at school told me I was 'hot'?"!! We decided against operating on her knees (to try to decrease the contractures). Since arthrogryposis is so rare, and those who have the condition vary *so* much in severity and abilities, there is limited and poor information on the benefits/risks of various surgeries. With the best information we have at this time, we believe that she is doing extremely well, the contractures in her knees are relatively small, and we run the risk of surgery hindering more than helping her. (When you factor in scar tissue, etc., she may be left with LESS mobility.) The debate on whether to operate on her arm continues (because of the same issues above). We *may* only gain 15 degrees of motion, and do not know whether or not the other capabilities she will lose is worth it.

BENJAMIN - Has phyrangeal flap surgery scheduled for the end of February (to increase his soft palate). This surgery is supposed to help with his nasality and speech problems. After that, he will still have 2-3 more surgeries on his lip and nose. We continue with speech therapy. It's hard because we feel that we see little progress with it.

DANIEL - Is supposed to have the LeFort surgery the end of February (the same one Benjamin had last year, where they cut the whole top jaw loose, then attach a halo and distraction device to move the jaw slowly. It means severe restrictions in food and mobility for an extended time. We don't know if Daniel will be able to handle it, so we may postpone the surgery. We've asked if there are any other options, and there are, but they are not good. Delaying the surgery will make it more difficult later. Not doing the surgery will result in severe jaw problems in the future. Even though Daniel is VERY smart, it's hard to get him to understand WHY we put him through what he perceives as garbage - mega pain and suffering, etc. After this surgery, he will need the same nose and lip surgeries as Benjamin.

Well - here endeth this chapter. Join me for the next installment if we have any great breakthroughs or anything profound to report …..!!

Also, others are asking for the “back history”, so I will try to get those things added periodically.