Daniel Update

I am not sharing this to use it as an excuse for Daniel’s behavior, but I continue to just try to understand what makes him tick, and to get the tools I need to help him. We have had terrible trouble with Daniel from day one. He vacillates between BRILLIANT behavior and abysmally abominable behavior. And believe me, consider yourselves extremely lucky that you get to see the “good side”! He *can* behave like a dream child, and usually does for other people, at church, etc. Sometimes he loses it (in a comparatively minor way) at school, and I think that is part of the reason that the kids don’t want to be around him. He’s also VERY good at noticing shortcomings in other people, and pointing them out bluntly, but of course, doesn’t want to hear about his own problems!

Before Daniel, Mark and I were COMPLETE skeptics about all these medical diagnoses given to children, and we were TOTALLY opposed to medications – We thought they were simply a crutch for people who did not want to bother parenting. I truly thought that people with YOUNG “problem children” were just bad parents - that they were shirking their responsibilities, etc. I always used to think all it took was “love... natural consequences... CONSISTENCY... love...”, and if you had a delinquent 12-year old you HAD to have delinquent parents. Well, After Daniel (our time frame is now measured as BD - Before Daniel, and AD – After Daniel!!), my ideas have all gone out the window. I know Mark and I have a LOT to learn, have made plenty of mistakes, and are FAR from perfect, but we are NOT delinquent parents. I do believe there *are* still parents and children like that, but now I have to say that I firmly believe there *ARE* children who have REAL medical problems, who do *NOT* respond to standard methods of correction, etc.

Over the past several years, we dismissed three other doctors’ diagnoses of bi-polar, among many other things. From what we observed, we felt Daniel *could* control his behavior – particularly when we were with others, so we thought it MUST just be behavioral. We figured we just had to find his “currency” – the consequence or incentives that would get him to give up the bad behaviors. Well – Daniel does NOT have a currency! All the “standard” discipline methods basically fail with him (they “seem” to work sometimes, do not work at ALL other times, and do NOT change the behaviors in the long run). On the one hand, Daniel is the most AMAZING, helpful, kind child, and you can talk to him and he has all the right answers. He is also one of the hardest working children I’ve ever known! But on the other hand, he plummets to the depths. He can be cunning, sly, lies through his teeth (while looking you RIGHT in the eye and looking VERY innocent!), and he does NOT learn no matter what consequences we impose or incentive we provide.

We have reluctantly come to the conclusion that we must accept the FOURTH doctor’s diagnoses, as they verify what the previous three doctors said (and none of them have consulted with the others). The doctors say this is not an easy situation, because Daniel does not just have ONE issue. They say Daniel definitely *IS* bipolar, but aside of that, he has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) – all common with adoptees, on top of the ADHD. He even has many symptoms associated with FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome), which is a very real possibility given the high rate of alcoholism in the Ukraine. He also has the classic “hoarding” tendencies of those who have lived with deprivation. And on TOP of all that, the psychiatrist says Daniel is suffering with heavy depression – well that makes a ton of sense – who wouldn’t with all these other issues? – *I’m* depressed and I’m just trying to DEAL with HIS having all those things! Daniel also feels that no-one loves or likes him. We have long felt that Daniel equates “being disciplined” with “not being loved”, and have talked ourselves blue in the face to try to explain to him that we’re trying to help him BECAUSE we love him. But he doesn’t FEEL it. So all these things make for a very tough situation, and help me have a little understanding as to why all the “standard” discipline methods basically fail with him.

We did reluctantly start Daniel on ADHD meds two years ago, but did not tell anyone at school. I got a real eye-opening confirmation that meds really could help when, after Daniel had only been on the meds a couple of days, I was in the classroom helping the teacher, who said to me, “Look at Daniel, he’s sitting there, doing his tasks, not bouncing off the walls, etc.” The teacher thought he had figured out the magic way to deal with Daniel. I did not say anything to him about the meds we’d started Daniel on – I just let him believe he was totally responsible for the change :). Then a little over a year ago, our pediatrician started Daniel on some meds to reduce Daniel’s violent behavior. We didn’t tell Daniel what they were – when he asked why he had to take “vitamins” the other kids weren’t taking, we just said that everyone’s body has different nutritional needs – I take different vitamins to dad, etc. He readily accepted this explanation. After a week, we had to go in to the doc for blood testing (to make sure the meds weren’t affecting Daniel negatively) and the doc asked Daniel, “Have these meds helped you? How do you feel?” But he did not say ANYTHING about WHAT the meds were supposed to do. Daniel responded that he did not “feel so angry”. I was just flabbergasted, because I would never have thought a ten-year old would have been able to make this observation.

I struggled to understand WHY Daniel was this way, but Benjamin was not? They were both in the exact same orphanage for the exact same amount of time. So I guess Daniel’s issues are a combination of biological, environmental (including that his bio mother may have had alcohol or drug issues, etc.,), and personality, so his response to his 6.5 years in the orphanage is colored by all that.

So we continue to work on things … Daniel is seeing a psychologist AND psychiatrist and taking multiple medications to try to help him. And we seem to live at the doctors – not just for the visits – but continual ongoing lab testing to check the effects of the meds (including ekg’s, blood and urine tests). The sad part is that finding the right mix of medications (and dosages) is a very imprecise science, and will take time. It is NOT a cure-all AT ALL, but does help take the edge off the awful behaviors. We just changed from our third psychologist (the first 2 told us they can’t do anything with Daniel, and we didn’t notice any progress with the third). I had asked the psychiatrist if she had a recommendation for a good therapist, and she said to me, “Any therapist is going to have a difficult time because of all the different things going on here.” Joy – Joy!

This week I was put in touch with a social services man who deals with post adoption issues. I had not considered approaching them, since ours was an international adoption, but a friend of mine gave me this guy’s info, and I talked to him for a long time. He has given us some ideas, including a different psychologist in Salt Lake (yes, ANOTHER trip we’re going to have to make to SLC on a regular basis. UGH!). I spent hours today setting up things with the insurance and doc. The doc is actually full for the next SEVEN months!! So we are going to go to his resident, who, we are told, works in conjunction with the doc. They do a FULL Neuro Psychological evaluation and we’re told they put together complete good, specific recommendations for responding to Daniel’s behaviors, and they also give us stuff we can take to the school. We’ll try anything at this point.

I feel like Daniel is a time bomb waiting to explode. If he is left alone, so he can do what HE wants, WHEN he wants to do it, all is well. But if HE doesn’t feel like doing it, and you try to force his hand, everything goes to hell in a handbasket. And I’m sorry – but we just can’t live with him as a total despot! That wouldn’t help him in the long run, anyway.

If you’re not tired of reading!!! - here’s an incident from a little while ago to give you some idea of what goes on: Daniel came home from school, slipped in through the door and started heading upstairs with his coat on – a sure sign to me that he's hiding something. (We CONSTANTLY fight the battle of him taking other people’s stuff, so I have to be very vigilant in watching him. He has been consequenced *SO* many times – I’ve lost track. I also have sewn up ALL his pockets, plus he is not allowed to take a backpack to school. But all this has yet to change anything!) So I asked what he had in his coat – and after a hassle, discovered he had a toy semi-truck/trailer stuffed in there. He SAID he picked it up on the way home from school – that it was just on the ground. I told him OK – we’d check with the kids at school and make sure it wasn’t someone’s. I said that if he had picked it up – someone had lost it. I asked him how he would feel if he dropped something, and someone else picked it up and just kept it? Him, “I wouldn’t care!” Then WOW – he went AWOL – because I “don’t trust” him, etc. He was SOOO out of control. I gave him a couple of options – One is something I *FEEL* I have received in answer to prayer – and that is to have him go out and run around, and work off some energy. But you can’t GET HIM to do that if it’s not HIS idea! I’ll suggest that he either go outside and run around, go take Rascal (our dog) for a walk, go and play in his room, etc., until he’s calmed down. He will NOT. He just turns into an ignorant monster.

I truly don’t know what to do. Over the past 5 1/2 years we have literally tried EVERY method of discipline and every chance of incentive, but none of them have worked. Right now, we’re trying diverting his attention, not giving too much attention to the bad behavior, but not allowing it in the house, etc. I can’t get him to go to his bedroom and just play until he calms down. I can’t get him to run around outside, or shovel some snow, or something else to work off some energy. So what do I do???

So this day we had the problem with the semi truck, he was body butting Benjamin, calling him names, getting in his face, being obnoxious, using ugly, ugly language. Benjamin was on the stool in the kitchen eating a snack. So I told Daniel his behavior was unacceptable and asked him to please stop and take himself somewhere else. But he wouldn’t. I asked Benjamin to move – just go in the dining room away from Daniel. But Daniel followed B in there and continued – just pushing – pushing – pushing B. I told him FIRMLY, that he needed to quit (and suggested AGAIN, some options for him), or I told him I would have to put him outside (I decided to try this because I hoped it would help him to work off some of his ill temper. Normally he LOVES being outside and playing, and I can’t get him INSIDE! But with his oppositional spirit, if I am MAKING him go outside, then he doesn’t want to go.).

I went into the living room and was helping Nadia to practice some songs she needed to learn. He came in after us and was getting in OUR faces. Making rude noises and gestures, yelling language and stuff RIGHT in our faces, turning off the CD with our music on, etc. I told him he needed to control himself, or I would have to control him. He wouldn’t stop, so I jumped up (taking him by surprise) and grabbed him (which I have to do, or he runs off and LAUGHS his head off because, “YOU CAN’T GET ME!”) and held him still, and calmly said, “Daniel, are you going to go some place else and work out your frustrations, or do I need to put you outside and lock you out until you’ll be nice?” He was just SCREAMING like a banshee – you’d think I was dismembering him. So I propelled him out, which was a chore in and of itself. He is STRONG and he fights – bites – kicks – and it’s no wonder that my arm I wrenched is not healing. (BTW: This is the 2nd time I’ve locked him outside.) I got his shoes and coat and threw them out. He knew they were there (they were right by his feet), but he refused to put them on, so he was just running around the house in bare feet (there was snow on the ground!). He went BALLISTIC – screaming like he was being beaten. But it’s ALL completely fake. He can turn off the crying in a second, and there’s NO sobbing, or tears, or anything. He KICKED the doors and then took a big metal bar and was smashing the garage door (he’s put big dings in it), and was yelling obscene language. I went on doing my thing, and when he calmed down outside, I’d go and say, “Good, you’re ready to be nice and come in!” But the minute I’d open the door, he’d start yelling obscenities at me again. So I’d shut it and lock it again.

So anyway, he ripped the screens out of the windows in front and was banging on the windows, then he discovered one was unlocked, so climbed in. He sat down on the sofa, smirking and saying, “Ha Ha, I can do whatever I want.” And spewing forth more language about me and how terrible I am. So I told him, again, that he could stay inside if he was going to be nice. He wouldn’t stop, so I grabbed him AGAIN, and put him outside.

It continued to be a major debacle. I’m AMAZED he didn’t break the deck glass door, and that the neighbors didn’t call in reinforcements to find out what was going on! I decided I had to do something different, so I told Benjamin and Nadia to put in a movie, I’d be back in a bit, pulled on my coat and boots and went out. He ran around and as I was saying, “I’m going to the store, come with me”, he was SCREAMING like a banshee and FIGHTING me again to try to get in to the house. I managed to shut and lock the door (with the 2 of us outside). I went over to the car and started it, and started cleaning off the 6 inches of snow and ice on it. (And as an aside, the reason we can’t have the van IN the garage is that Daniel has taken apart EVERY box and container in there and the contents are STREWN across the garage floor. And that’s at least the third time he’s done it and we’ve made him help us clean it up (which usually takes the better part of every day for a full week during a school break), but he does it again. He will NOT stay out of ANYTHING…) I said, “Come and help me clean off the car Daniel, and we’ll run to the grocery store quickly.” He yelled, “NO!” and stood there with his arms folded, just glowering. I was watching him all the time out of the corner of my eye, because I *KNEW* his mind was clicking, and I was afraid he would jump into the car and lock me out. And I would NOT put it past him to take off in the car! So I had actually locked all the other doors, just had the driver’s door unlocked, and I was scraping away, but ready to bolt if he moved!

He did try to open the passenger door at one point, and started yelling obscenities at me that I had it locked etc. Anyway, once I was finished cleaning the car off and let him in, he said mockingly, “You’re never going to get out of the driveway over all this snow – you’re just going to get stuck! HA! HA!!” But I was able to pull out and headed down to the shops – singing songs with the radio. Finally I could tell he was settling down, and he started to chat to me quite happily. So in the course of driving around to a couple of stores I talked to him in terms of, “How do you feel now compared to how you feel when you’re mad and having to stay outside?” etc., etc. But he mostly came back with smart aleck answers. I told him (for the bazillionth time) that we love him very much, and our most important goal is to help him to grow up to be a responsible, happy adult. I said that if he had a better idea that would help him to adjust his behavior when he’s out of control, to let us know, because we were just trying different things until we found something that worked. (We’ve tried asking for his input MANY times, but we don’t get anything constructive back from him.) Mark feels we can’t use the “locking outside” treatment any more, because we might get turned in for child abuse. So WHAT to do?????